She melts my heart

Pie has really impressed me with her ability to know the right thing to say at the right time. She has an amazing sense to know when someone is upset and needs a hug or tells them she loves them. She doesn't like to see anyone unhappy. She has warmed my heart so many times lately and it just makes me so proud that she has this trait. She is usually rough and tough and loves to run and be wild so I'm glad to see her show such a sensitive side too. She really is an amazing child.

Christmas Day

Despite all my bah-humbug-ness we had a really nice Christmas. It took f.o.r.e.v.e.r to get them to sleep on Christmas Eve, mostly because they had both taken nice long naps during the day. Pie and Sam decided to get in the Christmas spirit buy singing, or rather, yelling JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLLLLLLLLLS!!!! At the top of their lungs. It was hilarious! At least for a while...

Christmas morning we woke up and the girls were so excited to see all the presents under the tree and so happy that daddy had filled their stockings. They both did really well making sure the other one had a present to open and were actually more excited about the gifts than the paper!

They got some really amazing gifts, especially the picture puzzles that Grandpa had made for them. And of course the loved their pillow pets that they have been going crazy for every time they see them in the store!

They were truly blessed with so many new toys and gifts from everyone. And I am proud to say that my girls were happy to get so many new books!

My Christmas gift was an hour to my self, to relax and take a little nap. After I got up we went outside to play in the snow and then cooked our traditional Christmas dinner of manicotti. Yum, yum!!

I am thankful that we had a very nice day!

Through Her Eyes

Last night Pie wanted to take some pictures with my camera. It was amazing to see what she saw through the lens. I asked her to help me caption the picutres she took...

Lily

 "My Firetruck"

 "Tig"

 "Sammie's Bear"

 "It's the Christmas tree"

"Sammie and her bear"

 

"Pie with her eyes"



Bah HumBug!

As an adult I have grown to really dislike the holiday season. It starts out with the end of summer, which leads to my gardens dieing off, flowers wilting away, leaves falling and then the dreaded snow. Winter is just plain depressing, I count the days until spring comes and I see new sprouts, buds and life again.

Christmas was wonderful as a child, I have no complaints. My parents did a great job making the holidays happy. There was rarely drama and never any guilt trips, at least that I noticed as a child. It was wonderful having all three sets of Grandparents around and they all got along so well. I never knew how much of an amazing thing that was at the time. Christmas morning was magical and everything that a child thinks it should be.

Once I became independent and had to start actually buying Christmas presents for everyone and try to pay the normal bills too, I realized how stressful the holidays are financially. We barely had enough money to cover the grocery bill, let alone to buy presents, especially equal to what we ended up receiving. That always made me feel guilty and less than.

Our families do not get along with each other and so most of our holidays were spent divided up between the two and always with a dash of tears and a sprinkle of guilt. No matter how much time we spent with certain people there was always the "Oh, you have to leave now?" drama fest that grated on the Christmas spirit until it no longer existed.

Since we moved away from Colorado, our holidays have become much less stressful and I can avoid the guilt just by not answering the phone (Chris isn't always so lucky). We are able to do what we want and can spend our time actually enjoying the holiday and creating our own traditions. I don't feel obligated or committed to anything that means nothing to me. But I do miss my family so much.

I hate that I feel like this about a time of year that is supposed to be so freaking wonderful, but I do. I would just as soon boycott the whole damn thing and get on with spring already. I've tried to get into the festive-ness of it all for the sake of our girls. I don't want my scrooge tendencies to rub off on them.

It has been hard on Pie this year. Her birthday is 4 days before Christmas and gets to open some gifts but has to be patient and leave the rest until Christmas morning. Last night proved to be too much for her to handle and she ended up having the worst meltdown ever. It broke my heart to see her like that over something that is supposed to be happy and it made her miserable. I tried to let her know that I understood, that i knew it was hard, her feelings were totally valid. Finally she calmed down enough to get in her jammies and drifted off to dreamland only to wake up again knowing she had presents to open. I think maybe next year we need to re-think this whole thing and really figure out what it's supposed to be all about because what we've been doing just doesn't feel  right.

How lucky am I?

Facebook is a very interesting thing. I love how it can be custom for each user and can be so very very different depending on each person's interests. Chris only uses his facebook to play Mobsters2 and a few other games. He rarely ever reads the newsfeed and most of his "friends" are people who he doesn't even know. My facebook keep my in touch with my family and my closest friends and keep my informed of news and topics dear to my heart: natural living, parenting, breastfeeding and cloth diapering. I don't have a ton of friends and don't want facebook to be a virtual high school reunion, I've moved way, way, WAY beyond those years and have z.e.r.o. desire to relive that part of my life.

I was talking to Chris the other day about our diaper stash, the girls are so close to being done with diapers (I really don't like the term potty "trained", they aren't dogs and I haven't done much training anyway, they've learned to use the potty based on their own abilities...) Anyway, most of our diapers are about shot. The newest prefolds are going on 2 years old and have been used on both girls. They have held up really well but have been used and abused!

29 diapers has had the MOST awesome giveaway going on this month. For 29 days they have given away some of the coolest prizes, diapers, covers and so many other products related to cloth diapering! I was lucky enough to win 2 dozen prefolds from their sponsor  The Little Seedling ! How exciting is that?

There is still one giveaway left and it's the BIG ONE! Woohooo! The grand prize is: an autographed copy of the book Ecofrugal Baby: How To Save 70% Off Baby’s First Year, a 3-pack of Happy Heinys pocket diapers, a pack of Bummas cloth wipes, an Itzy Ritzy wet bag, Zoe Organics diaper balm, a gallon of Allen’s Naturally detergent from The Little Seedling boutique, a Weleda baby toiletries starter kit, Episencial wash, soothing cream, and face balm to pamper both mom and baby, AND 2 Thirsties Duo Wrap diaper covers with 4 Duo Hemp Prefolds–that’s a $285 value!

Head on over to 29 diapers and get your entry in!

Three

My Pie is growing up! Today is her THIRD birthday! How in the world did she get to be that old already? She woke up to find a tricycle built for 2, sent by her Grandpa Dave. (Chris and Sam spent the evening before putting it together.) Then opened the rest of her gifts. Her cousin's sent Pie and Sam their most favorite toys of their own childhood - a whole box full of My Little Ponies and a Leapfrog book reader! Grandma and Grandpa M sent a "Color Me A Song"  and an "I Spy" game. Daddy got her an awesome Tonka Firetruck!

Pie and I got busy mixing and baking her birthday cake - yellow and chocolate swirl, with chocolate frosting and of course - sprinkles!

We got ready and headed out to find a swimming pool. That was not an easy task. Well, finding the pool was - finding that was open for swimming was another story. We ended up driving all around then then stopped at McDonald's playland in Bangor. They had replaced their jungle gym and is now more friendly for smaller kids. Sam and Pie both had a great time playing on the musical slide and Pie climbed aaaaalll the way to the top of the tower to slide down the biiiiiig tube slide!

It was almost time to go back to the swimming pool, so we headed back out into the cold and drove around to see some Christmas lights, since it was already dark at 4:30 in the afternoon. (gotta love December in Maine, or not.) Some houses were decorated really nice and others looked like they opened a window, chucked a string of lights out and plugged it in! I guess Christmas spirit comes in all different forms!

Finally it was time to go swimming. The girls had a great time splashing in the water and sliding down the dinosaur slide. Pie had the most fun trowing every.single.toy into the pool. We played for about an hour then headed back home for birthday cake and bed.

It was a great day, I am so blessed to be a part of Pie's life and so thankful that she made me a mom. 

Baby Girl

"Hi, Sammie Baby Girl."
"Hi, Mommy Baby Girl."
"Hi, Sammie Baby Girl."
"Hi, Mommy Baby Girl."
"Hi, Sammie Baby Girl."
"Mommy, I love you allllllllll up."

Fruit of our Labor

This afternoon the girls and I harvested our pumpkins from our garden. We ended up with 14 nice orange  and 5 nice sized green pumpkins. I really had no idea how many to expect when we planted them and then being gone most of the summer, I kind of expected the garden to be a bust. We filled the wagon twice to get the pumpkins back to the house and unloaded them in the flower garden until Chris has a day off and can help us carve them. What a chore THAT is going to be! Too bad no one will see them since we live in the boonies. I guess thats what Facebook is for!

Our harvest makes me really happy, especially because my mom and dad were here to help plant the garden, it makes me feel like they are still here and are apart of our halloween.

The Butterfly Effect

Today, October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.

June 23, 2001 is the day I had my miscarriage. It was devastating to me, completely life changing. I felt pain in my heart that I never knew existed and I felt like no one understood what I was going through. 

I had what was called a "blighted ovum" which means the egg and sperm met created a yoke sack but nothing else. When I explained this to people (because they always asked why it happened) I was told more than once that I wasn't really pregnant anyway.  It would have hurt less to drive a dull butter knife into my heart and twist repeatedly. I was in mourning for the baby that could have been even if he never existed. I named him Jasper and even if he was never really in my womb, he has always been in my heart.

Sometimes I feel lucky that I suffered only one early miscarriage when I know of so many others who have had many and have seen their little babies during ultrasounds and heard their heartbeats. My heart breaks for those mothers who have given birth to babies who were sleeping. I can not imagine how I would go on.

Even though my heart aches for the child that could have been and six years of infertility that tore me apart, I am so grateful that God had another plan for my life. The thought of having children spured Chris and I to make some changes in our lives. Some good and some bad, but without those changes we wouldn't be where we are today. We wouldn't have our two beautiful, perfect, amazing daughters. Chris might not have come out of his dark depression that lasted way too long, to become the hard working and accomplished man he is today.

I hope to never feel another loss like I did when I had the miscarriage again but it was a turning point in my life that I will never wish away.

My thoughts and prayers goes out to anyone who has ever felt the loss of a child born or unborn, and hope that every mother and father can find some peace in their heart.

Socialization

I've been accused of not giving my girls enough socialization. We live on the side of a mountain with no neighbors within sight, we only have one friend with a child that is close to our girls age and they aren't in daycare.

I've made a point, not long after Sammie was born to start going to the local story time at the library in Bucksport. Oh my holy goodness was it ever b.o.r.i.n.g! Pie needed somewhere to get her wiggles out and PLAY, especially during the winter months. We found a playgroup last winter that was very unstructured free play. It worked well to get the wiggles out but there wasn't enough guidance by all of the parent to prevent squabbles over the toys provided. I wanted Pie to learn how to play nicely, not learn to fight!

When we were in New Hamster (as Pie calls it!) we found the most fabulous story time/play group that has ever existed! The librarian sang songs, read stories, blew bubbles for each of the kids, had a parachute (and sings to go with it) and then provided some type of craft afterwards. It was awesome and both of the girls loved going. They'd ask every morning if they could go to the playgroup.

I vowed once we got home that I would keep searching until I found something as close to awesome as I could.

On Monday we went to a play group in Hampden that was described as a program for children ages three months to six years old. It is an interactive program for children and their parent/caregiver. Adults make use of our educational toys to play with their child. These toys encourage manipulative ability as well as color and letter recognition. OK, that sounds great! We got there right on time and there was one little boy playing a color sorting game with his mother. He looked up as we walked in and was quickly told to focus on what he was doing. Poor little guy was only curious about the two (adorable) little girls who had come to play "with all the little boys and girls". I was shocked. I realize that parent involvement was expected but isn't learning how to play with other kids just as important as mastering every educational game that's marketed to improve your child's whatever?

As my girls looked through the games they asked if they could play with this or that and I told them they could play with anything they wanted to including the other children. But still heard several parents reign their kids back into whatever game they were supposed to be focusing on when they ventured off toward the other children. We finally made our way across the room and ended up finding a nice older lady who was the nanny to a young girl just learning to walk. She was very nice and played with Pie.

On Tuesday we met our friends Nicole and her daughter, Cadence at the big slide park in Belfast, lunch at McDonald's and then played on the children's floor of the Belfast Free Library. Wednesday we did a little shopping in Bangor.

This morning we went back to the playgroup in Bucksport and the girls did really well. Out of 6 parents, there were 2 of us who didn't just sit along the wall while their kids ran wild. The other mom was really nice and we got along quite well. This playgroup was the extreme opposite of the one we visited on Monday but I guess by going to them both the girls get the best of both worlds.

Tomorrow we plan to hit the Discovery museum for their version of story time and "clay play".

So, if you still think my girls need socialization, I guess you really have no clue how we spend out time. I very strrongly  believe you don't have to pay a daycare or depend on public school to teach your children social skills.

Names

When we were in New Hampshire a little girl asked Pie what her name was. She just stood there smiling not sure what to say. Since then we have been talking about what all of our names are. She knows what daddy's name is and after hearing me call for him she promptly called him by his first name too. It was so cute! She learned Sammie's first and middle name and knows my first and last name. When I ask her what her name is she says Leona Pie or occasionally Oprah which always sends me in to a giggle fit!

We also have been trying to differentiate between the grandparents and how they are related to her. She knows the Grandparents who come to visit in the spring are my mommy and daddy and the grandparents who come in the fall are daddy's parents. While shopping the other day with the paternal grandparents she heard me speak to fil then called him, like I did, by his first name, only to be scolded by her paternal grandmother (a title I'm not sure is deserved) that she was never to call him that again and to only ever call him GRANDPA. Pie was so devastated. Poor girl was only associating a name with a person and was so happy to know his name. Leave it to her to crush some one's spirit.

My daughter can me whatever she wishes as long as it's respectful, after all I call her Pie.

Mama Firefly VS Esther Walton

My husband was raised on a farm where he lived with his mother, father and Great-grandparents, along with various other people throughout the years. Sometimes it was other family members, farm hands, family friends but usually people who were looking for somewhere to stay for awhile. This could not be father from the way I was raised. At first it was kind of appealing to be on the farm where there was so much going on and so many people around but as time has gone by I know that it is not how I could ever live and keep my sanity intact.

 I probably was born in the wrong century and would probably fit in to the way things once were, but living with extended family would end up being much more like this:

Than this:

I am such a homebody and have no  problem not seeing other people for days on end, I just would not be comfortable or even close to content living with other people let alone extended family. We lived on the  farm for 8 years when we first were married, right after Chris hurt his back, and while I am grateful to have had somewhere to live while we were struggling, those were some of the most chaotic, unstable, drama filled years of my life.

Just because a family is portrayed on TV as wonderful and loving where everyone lives together and gets along doesn't mean it is going to be that way in real life. Living together as extended family needs to be the desire of everyone involved.  Dreams can't be forced on other people when they have dreams of their own.

You can't expect to be Esther Walton when you have more in common with Mama Firefly.

The end of the world as we know it.

December 21, 2012 just so happens to be Pie's 5th birthday.

Chris and I have been debating about what kind of education is best for our girls. It was very important to us that I stay home and raise the girls instead of sending them to daycare. I admit there are some really awesome daycare centers out there but there are some horrible ones too. I have tried to expose the girls to some social situations, story time at the library, playgroups, play dates with friends, ect so that they are used to some of the same things daycare kids are when they start school.

But with the end of the world looming, I have to wonder how important all this preparation for traditional public school really is?  I guess it's a good thing that they are learning to plant a garden and harvest it's crops. They can identify some of the flowers in our yard and know where the blackberry bushes are at. They know only to eat the berries mommy gives them and not the berries we see on the walking path. They are skilled at dumping the vegetable scraps in the compost bin and know that it needs mixed up once in awhile. Next spring they will help spread the rich black compost around the flowers. I hope in the next couple years to have some chickens so we can collect eggs and possible raise a pig or two. My goal is to be as self sufficient as possibly and hope to teach my girls to live simply and not always rely on retail and manufacturing to keep them alive.

So when December 21, 2012 comes around and everyone else is prepared to sit in a circle and play nicely with each other, my girls will be at home preparing for the end of the world as we know it.

On December 22, 2012 we all will wake up and laugh about a silly conspiracy theory and go on about our day.

Crazy Dog.

The girls and I went out in the yard to play a bit and enjoy the cooler weather. Tig is so full of energy and loves when we are all outside with him. He was running and jumping, chasing the girls big purple ball. It had lost just enough air that he could get his teeth into it.

 POP!

That didn't end the fun.

 He ran around the yard with the popped ball and played keep away with Pie.

He must have worked up quite a thirst so he went for the biggest water source in the yard - the girls swimming pool! He'd jump up and get his front legs in the water and bob for the toys.

He finally got a hold of his ball and proudly paraded his trophy around the yard. He was quite the entertainment last night!

And the pool survived!

Pickin' Apples

Hurricane Earl was forcasted to hit the coast of Maine last Friday and be gone mid Saturday. As the hurricanes hit the cold waters oft he Atlantic they usually loose strength and just turn into a good rain storm but sometime still bring some heavy winds and strong tides. With the early spring and hot summer the apple crops were ready about 2 weeks ahead of time. The limbs of the trees are weighed right down with nice big ripe apples, waiting to be harvested, just in time for Earl to come along.

We hadn't gone apple picking since we've lived in Maine but since the girls have taken some interest in our garden this year I though it would be fun to pick some apples and attempt to make a pie from scratch(ish). So I looked online and found a list of apple orchards near us. There was one in Brewer and one in Monroe, we headed to Brewer Friday morning but soon found out that the orchard was no longer in business so we went on about our errands and planned to hit the Monroe orchard later in the day. It was about 4:30 by the time we got everything done and headed out on our apple picking adventure. We drove and drove and drove and soon went right though Monroe into Brooks without seeing any signs of an apple orchard. We stopped and Chris asked someone if he knew where it was and he directed us to the Maine-ly Apple Orchard in Dixmont. It was 5:20 by the time we got there and their sign said they closed at 5:00. Ugh! Thankfully the man who own the orchard waved us in and let us pick some apples anyway!

It didn't take too long to fill a bucket with 2 little girls picking all the huge apples on the trees and the branches were so heavy they hung almost down to the groud. With our bucket full, we headed back to pay we got some fresh pressed apple cider, then headed back home, all munching on crunchy apples on the way.

When we got home, I cooked supper: steak, corn on the cob and asparagus with baked apples for dessert. Saturday morning we got up and peeled apples for our very first homemade apple pie, which turned out delicious!

Conversations with a 2 year old.

I just got done having a conversation with Pie about how it was ok for Tig to drink the water out of the toilet but not ok for her to do it.  She decided that dogs like yucky water.

Get over it already!

For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

Friends

After coming home from NH to some very unpleasant drama from someone who we had thought of as a really good friend, I had just about given up on having "real world" friends. I never really have had many anyway, a few good ones along the way but usually end up growing apart with them as our lives and (usually jobs) change throughout the years. Most of the people I feel closest too I only talk to online and some I have never in met in "real life".

I was happy when Nicole texted me and asked if the girls and I wanted to get together. We met at Sandy Point Beach for a few hours. Pie, Sammie and Cadence had fun playing in the sand and water (which actually wasn't too cold after all the hot weather we've had.) Nicole and I had a nice time talking and catching up after being gone for the summer.

It was nice to have my faith in friendship restored and look forward to spending time with them again soon. 

17

Seventeen years ago, I was getting ready to walk down the asile to marry my best friend.

We've been through a lot together and end up closer and stronger everytime. Sadly, we don't get to spend the day together, as always when work calls he's gotta go but it's ok.

We will have many, many more times to share together.

I couldn't ask for a better husband or father to our girls. I feel so lucky and very blessed.

Part of the village

Someone I know recently got herself in a lot of legal trouble and most of the comments I've heard people say is that it was expected. "She's a sociopath just like her mother." "She was a bad seed from the beginning."

While I don't condone what she did and completely agree that she needs to be accountable for her actions I feel like the "village it takes to raise a child" let her down.

So many members of her family could have stepped up and been a positive influence instead of spreading rumors and looking down their noses at her and her mother. She could have had a very special relationship with her aunt who shared some of her interests but that didn't happen, they virtually have no relationship at all.

I feel responsible too. I could have stepped up and been a bigger part of her life. After all I lived right next to her for a large portion of her childhood. But I didn't do it, and now I wonder if everyone who was part of her village had done something to influence her in a positive way maybe she wouldn't be in so much trouble now. I very strongly believe that when a child is told they will never amount to anything never think they are worth more than that.

Already?

When we were outside this morning playing in the big puddle after all the rain last night, I noticed how many of the leave are changing already. Sigh.

I guess I can't complain too much. We did have an awesome summer but I am not at all ready to see winter. Hopefully we will have a nice long autum and the snow will hold off until next year. I for one, couldn't care less if we have a white Chrismas - unless it was on a white sandy beach somewhere!

We had 2 more sunflowers open up this morning too. I guess there might be a little bit of summer left to hang on to afterall.

Back at it.

It's been about a month since I've updated. I just didn't have much of a chance to write while we were in NH. The girls had a hard time napping in the hotel room and that's usually when I have enough quiet time to blog.

It's been nice to be home. Our house was still standing, dogs still alive but the yard and garden was a mess. I've been working on trying to get things back in order before winter, which feels like is right on our heels. Our sunflowers look like they could touch the sky!

 We have picked some tomatoes, squash, carrots, onions, and have 6 pumpkins and 3 butternut squash still growing. Hopefully next summer we will be able to give a garden more attention, although with two little helpers around wanting to pick everything they see, maybe the garden was better off with us gone!

The dogs were happy to see us. Tig has done really well with the girls but seems to have forgotten how to walk on a leash. We attempted to walk on the waterfront on Monday and he just about drug me down the path. He also seems to have an issue with other women, makes me wonder why. He's fine with me but didn't like anyone else. Guess we will just have to keep working on socialization with him. I really have my hands full with him and the girls though.

Ink!

It's been awhile since either Chris or I have gotten any new tattoos. If money weren't an issue we both would have a whole lot more than we do now! But until we win the lotto we can only get one every so often.

We had debated what to do on Sunday since it was once of our last few days in New Hampshire. We were sitting at supper on Saturday night and Chris overheard a guy talking about the Live Free or Die Tattoo Expo that was going on in Manchester this weekend. So Sunday morning we headed out to see another new city and see a whole lot of ink! There were defiantly a lot of very uh, interesting people to look at and some really awesome artists showcasing their work.

I had been wanted to have Sam's name tattooed and Chris wanted to have the "good" skull tattooed on his left hand. So we found someone who had a couple openings and got now ink!

Jesse Rix was our artist and he was AWESOME!

Chris's "evil" skull on the left and his new "good" skull on the right.

Sammabean posing by her name.

I am also really excited because I think I've figured out how to finish up my arm piece so it will become an awesome sleeve!

Summer Fun

This has been one of the funnest summers I can remember. I am so glad that we decided to come to New Hampshire with Chris, it would have been  a long and depressing summer if we'd have stayed home.

We have done pretty well living in a hotel, most everyone leaves during the day so we don't really bother anyone when we are here. We've tried to get out and do something every day anyway.

Alton elementary school has the best playgorund.

We've been to the beach at Alton Bay, Carry beach and Brewster beach in Wolfeboro, Weirs beach, near laconia and to York beach in York, Maine. The girls have had fun playing in the sand and have gotten a lot more comfortable with the water.

We went to York's Wild Kingdom where the girls saw all kinds of animals, fed deer and goats, rode an elephant and a pony, had fun in the jumping castle and rode some rides.

We spent a Sunday at Clark's Trading Post in the White Mountains where we saw a bear show and rode on a train that was ambushed by a wolfman. Pie is now obsessed with trains!

We found the best play-group/story-time in New Durham where the girls get to sing songs, listen to stories and play with a parachute. The lady who puts it on does such an excellent job. We also saw a magic show at the library.

We went shopping at the outlet mall in Tilton a couple times. We got some killer deals at The Children's Place and bought Chris some new shirts at the Harley outlet.

My Rockstars in their new glasses!

We visited the New Hampshire Farm Museum a couple times and had fun seeing the chickens, pigs, goats, sheep and the last time we were there, milking a "cow". The girls got to grind corn to feed the chickens and washed clothes and hung them in the sun on the drying rack, they also got to pump water from the well.

 

We also visited the Kings Highway Alpaca Farm where we learned everything there is to know about alpacas from the nicest man who owned the farm. After seeing them up close, petting "Kisses" the friendliest female alpaca and seeing the most adorable babies, I am determined that I want some too! I guess I will just add them to my "if I win the lotto" list!