Bah HumBug!

As an adult I have grown to really dislike the holiday season. It starts out with the end of summer, which leads to my gardens dieing off, flowers wilting away, leaves falling and then the dreaded snow. Winter is just plain depressing, I count the days until spring comes and I see new sprouts, buds and life again.

Christmas was wonderful as a child, I have no complaints. My parents did a great job making the holidays happy. There was rarely drama and never any guilt trips, at least that I noticed as a child. It was wonderful having all three sets of Grandparents around and they all got along so well. I never knew how much of an amazing thing that was at the time. Christmas morning was magical and everything that a child thinks it should be.

Once I became independent and had to start actually buying Christmas presents for everyone and try to pay the normal bills too, I realized how stressful the holidays are financially. We barely had enough money to cover the grocery bill, let alone to buy presents, especially equal to what we ended up receiving. That always made me feel guilty and less than.

Our families do not get along with each other and so most of our holidays were spent divided up between the two and always with a dash of tears and a sprinkle of guilt. No matter how much time we spent with certain people there was always the "Oh, you have to leave now?" drama fest that grated on the Christmas spirit until it no longer existed.

Since we moved away from Colorado, our holidays have become much less stressful and I can avoid the guilt just by not answering the phone (Chris isn't always so lucky). We are able to do what we want and can spend our time actually enjoying the holiday and creating our own traditions. I don't feel obligated or committed to anything that means nothing to me. But I do miss my family so much.

I hate that I feel like this about a time of year that is supposed to be so freaking wonderful, but I do. I would just as soon boycott the whole damn thing and get on with spring already. I've tried to get into the festive-ness of it all for the sake of our girls. I don't want my scrooge tendencies to rub off on them.

It has been hard on Pie this year. Her birthday is 4 days before Christmas and gets to open some gifts but has to be patient and leave the rest until Christmas morning. Last night proved to be too much for her to handle and she ended up having the worst meltdown ever. It broke my heart to see her like that over something that is supposed to be happy and it made her miserable. I tried to let her know that I understood, that i knew it was hard, her feelings were totally valid. Finally she calmed down enough to get in her jammies and drifted off to dreamland only to wake up again knowing she had presents to open. I think maybe next year we need to re-think this whole thing and really figure out what it's supposed to be all about because what we've been doing just doesn't feel  right.