The Butterfly Effect

Today, October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.

June 23, 2001 is the day I had my miscarriage. It was devastating to me, completely life changing. I felt pain in my heart that I never knew existed and I felt like no one understood what I was going through. 

I had what was called a "blighted ovum" which means the egg and sperm met created a yoke sack but nothing else. When I explained this to people (because they always asked why it happened) I was told more than once that I wasn't really pregnant anyway.  It would have hurt less to drive a dull butter knife into my heart and twist repeatedly. I was in mourning for the baby that could have been even if he never existed. I named him Jasper and even if he was never really in my womb, he has always been in my heart.

Sometimes I feel lucky that I suffered only one early miscarriage when I know of so many others who have had many and have seen their little babies during ultrasounds and heard their heartbeats. My heart breaks for those mothers who have given birth to babies who were sleeping. I can not imagine how I would go on.

Even though my heart aches for the child that could have been and six years of infertility that tore me apart, I am so grateful that God had another plan for my life. The thought of having children spured Chris and I to make some changes in our lives. Some good and some bad, but without those changes we wouldn't be where we are today. We wouldn't have our two beautiful, perfect, amazing daughters. Chris might not have come out of his dark depression that lasted way too long, to become the hard working and accomplished man he is today.

I hope to never feel another loss like I did when I had the miscarriage again but it was a turning point in my life that I will never wish away.

My thoughts and prayers goes out to anyone who has ever felt the loss of a child born or unborn, and hope that every mother and father can find some peace in their heart.